A thought switch.

People think I'm strong. And I was brought up to be tough. With antennas always alert. And most of the time, I thought I was strong. I mean, look, I could handle moving away to another country at 16, living&traveling independently at 18, dealing with COUNTLESS sickos in and between Bangkok and KL, and all the other big girl stuff that won't be mentioned here.. Didn't that make me a toughie?

So why do I get this feeling that maybe it was mostly just survival instincts?

I compared myself to Manda* and decided that living on just survival instincts will NOT do. She drains herself out trying to keep afloat. It's not healthy, it sucks out life. She has her good points, but has trouble communicating them because in my opinion, her protective guard is sky-high. A little too high. And if two survival-heads are battling, you end up with a lot of unnecessary words. I don't want to use propaganda to show "how tough I am" or to stay "invincible".

I don't want to spend my entire life trying to spare my heart every bit of pain.

There needs to be some vulnerability too. *blink* right?
I'm so bent on my so-called "independence" that I see dependence as weakness. BUT THAT'S NOT GOOD! I mean, I guess to an extent it's good, but as a girl whowantstogetmarried, to some degree you gotta come to terms with the fact that you will want to depend on someone for some things one day. Right? And then, you'll have to take the risks of being vulnerable.

So many people this year have made statements about my "strength" that were not true. They say "a thing like this won't affect Joni", or "since when did you care what they say?" Do I really come off as THAT strong? Yikes, here's to changing that. I am taking note of things said to me. I just don't show it much.

I suppose I should let my guard down more. Allow vulnerability.

*Not real name, of course.