Tuesday, June 26, 2007

A thought switch.

People think I'm strong. And I was brought up to be tough. With antennas always alert. And most of the time, I thought I was strong. I mean, look, I could handle moving away to another country at 16, living&traveling independently at 18, dealing with COUNTLESS sickos in and between Bangkok and KL, and all the other big girl stuff that won't be mentioned here.. Didn't that make me a toughie?

So why do I get this feeling that maybe it was mostly just survival instincts?

I compared myself to Manda* and decided that living on just survival instincts will NOT do. She drains herself out trying to keep afloat. It's not healthy, it sucks out life. She has her good points, but has trouble communicating them because in my opinion, her protective guard is sky-high. A little too high. And if two survival-heads are battling, you end up with a lot of unnecessary words. I don't want to use propaganda to show "how tough I am" or to stay "invincible".

I don't want to spend my entire life trying to spare my heart every bit of pain.

There needs to be some vulnerability too. *blink* right?
I'm so bent on my so-called "independence" that I see dependence as weakness. BUT THAT'S NOT GOOD! I mean, I guess to an extent it's good, but as a girl whowantstogetmarried, to some degree you gotta come to terms with the fact that you will want to depend on someone for some things one day. Right? And then, you'll have to take the risks of being vulnerable.

So many people this year have made statements about my "strength" that were not true. They say "a thing like this won't affect
Joni", or "since when did you care what they say?" Do I really come off as THAT strong? Yikes, here's to changing that. I am taking note of things said to me. I just don't show it much.

I suppose I should let my guard down more. Allow vulnerability.

*Not real name, of course.


Pet said...

People tend to think i'm strong and that i set standards for myself and will stick to it.

I can only wish that what people perceive of me were true.

nelvie said...

honestly, keep being the person u are. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is just not a smart move. Just be who u are and time will make things better.

joni lynne said...

pet: ya it's funny yknow..ppl would say my 101 standards were too high, yet at the same time say that they admired the strength. like, wha..??

nelvie: i'm not allowing full vulnerability, that's why i italicized specific words in the posts like "some", "to an extent", "every". but yea of course i'm still me. just a small thought twitch.=)

Bern_bern said...

We are only made STRONG IN HIM! Our human strenght, no matter how much it weighs, can keep us alive.

Bern_bern said...

oops, i meant: 'cannot keep us alive' (sorry for the typo error)