Monday, September 10, 2007

Diarrhea of Thoughts.

It's scary to hear myself think at times. So often I find myself trailing off into a JoniWorld where I know what to do in every situation, where things turn out okay in the end, where my opinion matters, where I'm taken care of.
I'm quite disturbed by this growing up thing. I've made so many scary comparisons this year, and I'm never too sure which are the right choices.
I remember one time on the way to Klang with Sophenie and Lee Yen, I think I was about 14, they were maybe 19-21? We were talking about relationships and they said that even they didn't think they were ready for one at that time. My 14 year old mind was befuddled by that statement - how could these che-che's not be ready when they were past 18 already?
ha ha. I understand now.

I had all these ideals laid out in my mind for what I would be, what I would turn out to be. Looking at them now, I almost wanna laugh at my naivety then.Maybe then it'd be easier to make decisions. Like how children are - without apparent fear of dangers.
My biggest challenge these days is answering this one question - Where Is The Line?

Where is the line between striving for the Perfect Job and settling for another?May I stay adamant about what I really want or should I compromise and take up something that suits them better?

Where is the line between standing up for yourself and just letting things go? Is it okay to not feel the need to defend oneself? How long must one care about what they say, what they think, what they do or don't?

Where is the line between sticking to my ideal standards and making more realistic amendments? How do I know which ones I should cut out and which I should root for?Where is the line with you? When is it not okay for me to say what's on my mind, and when is it okay? When is the right time for me to swallow what I feel and wait for my answer, or insist on one?

It's funny that I used to think that people like Sophenie and Lee Yen were at the best age, they knew so many things, they had pieced their jigsaw puzzle nicely. And now that I'm at that stage, I realize that I had it wrong. I mean, look at ME. I don't have it together. I'm still plagued with unanswered questions. I'm still mighty confused.

I realize that when all is taken away and when it all boils down to plain ol' Joni,and I wonder if I need to cure that.

"We're all in pursuit of what we conceive to be happiness.
Some take in the simpler things in life,
Some want the ideal, stretching out fingertips,
Living memories, drinking life."
-Joni-
Disclaimer: yea ok whatever, Joni, go sleep.

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