Thursday, July 19, 2007

And why did this suddenly pop up? Well, M asked why I'm don't hang out/sleepover with Pet anymore. We're both drowned in college work, right, Pet?
That was weeks ago when I was asked that question. Last week P sent me these two posters with 'wise sayings' (I suppose that's what you'd call them), at a very untimely ironic hour of the day. I can't say here what the posters said but it was like two lil slaps from the Big Boss Upstairs.
Then it was N who asked me - why don't I go out with my "friends"? But my original suggestion to lepak this weekend had been flushed away when I heard both Pet and Sarah were going to Penang on Saturday for a wedding. That I wasn't invited to even though I lived with the bride in the same apartment once. -_- Ah well, under the circumstances.....
And people are never free on Sundays, it seems. And I don't drive so I can't just go visit them when they're free in the weekends coz I'll have to figure my way back at night. Which sucks.
And all my suggested outings tak jadi because people weren't free or weren't interested.
(this is starting to sound pathetic. sorry. my blog. and i feel like typing my heart out. watch out.)
So there I sat quietly thinking of these little things; little innocent questions that triggered something in me. One thought after another flashing past until the strain was too much. I couldn't begin to explain what it is but I feel I keep losing things along my way.

I lost touch with Melissa when I moved to KL from Kuching. We wrote letters but they soon stopped as pre-teenhood came along. Last I saw her, she was beautiful. Grew up just the way I'd imagined she'd be - self-assured and quietly strong.
I never really made strong bonds in KL until Sarah and I decided to become best friends. Talking with her took off the stress of switching between four new schools and having to make new friends all over. I never had the chance to really get to know them enough.
Sure, there were moments. Like the time Aisyah was in ICU and we could only talk to her through hand squeezing 'yes' or 'no' questions, or her left-hand writing on paper because her right hand was occupied with needles. And us trying to guess what she was writing as quickly as possible to spare her the pain. And me torn between praying outloud for her or just telling her I'd pray for her.
I saw her again in 1Utama about a year ago. She was still Aisyah with her funny skip in her walk.
We exchanged mobile numbers knowing we'd never call.
My favorite moments then were in church. All us older kids helping out in VBS and having our own fun. Remember setting up the fun fair in the basement? Chasing Joash around with water guns. Winning Best Booth and treating us 4 girls to Victoria's Station with our prize money.
Nelvie bursting a water balloon on me causing some aunty to get a bit upset coz of the wet floor. Or something. Who knows, aunties always have reasons to get upset. The crazy "indian dudes" we had one year who made us all laugh our heads off. And we made up ridiculous enter-the-room passwords. What's mine is yours, what's yours is mine! What on earth were their names again??

Oh and of course the MUSIC we played and over-sang til we still don't want to sing some of them today. All the drama we had in the band.
Slowly those people who would have been the main influences in my early teenhood drifted off.

By the time I got back from Chiang Rai, things had changed so much it took me more than half a year to fit it again. I'd missed a HUGE chunk of events. I'd missed Lee-Josh remembering the lil semi-deep talks we had between music practices. I'd missed weddings that took good leaders away. I never got to express all the emotions I'd felt hearing all the different news while I was in Chiang Rai or Bangkok. Losing friends and acquaintances to accidents. Josh, Charles, Renae, Azhar..
Chiang Rai taught me so many things - in painful ways, if you asked me. I learned what it felt like to be the outsider and when I came back I realized this and did my best to change my old clique-ish ways. The outsider feeling was awful. Needless to say, two years there didn't earn me any strong friendships, but this time I had myself to blame mostly. I didn't WANT to be a friend. And when I did, it wasn't enough of an effort. I wanted to go home.
Arielle, Pet, and Sarah kept me company those two years. I guess you could say I grew up with them apart. People sometimes find us bizarre, but the way we've grown up I wouldn't have it any other way *insert music notes*. No matter what, I love you three.
I learned to read between some lines.
I learned to be more honest with myself.& perhaps less so out-loud since I hear it bothers people. But I still try.
I learned that pretending to be something you're not, is not cool.
I learned that being one-of-the-guys will one day put you in quite a predicament.
I learned that it is possible to move house in two days.
I learned that people can get really fugly but it's up to me how I deal with what's thrown at me.
I learned that waiting for your life to begin isn't gonna kick-start mine and that I hate knowing that.
I learned to love unconditionally. It's a painful thing oftentimes but I think nowadays I don't care anymore.

I learned that in the end, all we need is love. and God is love.

I think I may have talked myself out of my own emoness.

*Top postcard taken from PostSecret.


PEtriNa said...


i miss you too. Really.

Soon i'll have exam study break! umm, beginning of next month, i think.

Bern_bern said...

There are moments in my life that I feel this way too. But with the experience and exposure, it made us who we are today. Never regret the days of old or despise small beginnings,for you never know what they might bring in the future. We learn to treasure the things we have before it becomes something we can only refer to as 'we once had'. Every moment is precious. It's made you the stronger, more responsible, considerate person you are today. Live on!