I keep telling myself I must change. It’s getting so old. If I’m so desperate to set things right, why hasn’t much changed? How can I possibly talk about your dust & dirt while my cobwebs are all over the place too? These past few months I’ve realized that yes, I was very hurt and affected by the incidents that caused me to despise a majority of Christians. And yes, while I still believe I have my rights in feeling that way, I’ve also realized that I haven’t done enough to set my Christianity right. Sure, I may have told you that I “understand where so&so was coming from and did this or that so she wouldn’t be turned off from Christians herself”, but now I see, what was the use in that? Wasn’t it just an impression of the truth, not the real thing? I wasn’t living the impression I was giving. Why on earth am I walking this way and that way, this way and that when I know for a fact that it makes me a part of the problem?!
A number of occasions in these few months past, have made me really think. Have put me on the spot. Have caught me red-handed bloody-handed spillage-on-the-floor. I may be dabbling with a very dangerous thing. I’m teetering on a very high edge, aren’t I? The last incident was last Saturday. When I told S about a part of me I’d conveniently left out. She didn’t say much. It was just a half-second look that killed me. It messed me up this bad. Thanks, S. Now it’s a little clearer – this edge I’m overlooking. I don’t like what I see. And I’ve been around long enough to know that if I wait longer, my warning signs are gonna get drastic. I don’t wanna wait for that moment, THEN panic and turn around. Why can’t the moment be now, now that I see it clearer, now that You’re tugging harder, now that I feel emptier? Maybe that’s why I’m not professionally at the level I want to/should be at by now. No wait. MAYBE?! Of COURSE that’s why!
Time to move out of this
I don’t know how to get rid of the anger/hurt/frustration. I could be so much more. I want to be so much more. Now my real test begins, doesn’t it? At a very difficult level – Level 7, Speed 5. 1 life to go. Press Start to begin. Now what are you gonna do, Joanna Lynne Nagaratnam?